Why I Decided to Get Naked With God
Why I Decided To Get Naked With God
The first time I was naked in front of someone, besides my mother or a doctor, was in elementary school when an older girl from the neighborhood involuntary pulled my pants down in my home. She found joy in admiring my immature body while I felt exposed, vulnerable, and embarrassed. Back then, I wore clothes not for fashion but as a defense mechanism.
Clothes were the only things I could use to hide my insecurities and all the things I hated about myself.
Naturally, I was deeply scarred because I felt deprived of the armor I felt I needed to protect myself. Being naked was just a concept that I was not fully comfortable with at that age.
In high school, I was still insecure but peer pressure started to get to me. Everyone around me was having sex and I wanted to know what that felt like. So I lost my virginity at the age of 16. I began to have sex whenever I wanted to, with whoever I wanted, and I was comfortable being naked, as long as we were having sex.
When it came to doctor visits, changing in front of girlfriends, or even being naked in front of my mom, I was still uncomfortable. But I was comfortable enough to strip naked to feed my flesh whenever I needed a fix.
I went on to attend the second largest college in the nation, got a job with a Fortune 500 company, obtained membership in one of the most prestigious sororities, got a new car, had a love interest, and my own apartment. For anyone on the outside looking in, they would have thought I had the perfect life and that is my fault because I wanted to portray my life that way. I wanted people to look at me and feel inspired, even though deep inside I was a wreck.
I hated my job. I had a call center position with limited freedom, unrealistic employee expectations, and screaming clients. When I would go home after work, sometimes I left with tears, anxiety or even anger because I was so unhappy and disappointed.
Also, my relationship was toxic. We were in an on-again, off-again relationship for two years. We would make up to break up, had long distance issues, and we emotionally abused each other. Our fights were always intense; breaking things, screaming, slamming doors, and emotional breakdowns. (I bet the neighbors know my name, after all of our fights). The relationship was bad but the sex was good because no one has ever taken me to ecstasy in that way. I lost every sense of the word independent; I was emotionally, sexually, and physically dependent on this one person to fulfill me even if it was doing more harm than good.
We had a soul tie to one another, that neither one of us was strong enough to break.
On top of this, I was encountering a lot of drama within the sorority. I was a member of a Black Greek-Letter Organization for three years. I was the president of my chapter, I was the assistant dean of pledges when we initiated new members, and I thought I embodied everything a woman of the sorority should be. After I graduated, the chapter began to fall apart due to broken relationships and lies. The “sisterhood” that I thought was founded on unconditional love crumbled. I started noticing how some of the women lied and turned on each other. Ultimately, I felt like the sisterhood I longed for was no longer existent or never truly existed at all.
I never felt so alone, confused, and lost in my life before all of this. I needed help.
Growing up, my father was a pastor. So I knew about God but my relationship with Him was not the best. I loved the Lord and I knew that He was my savior but I had parts of me that I wanted to clothe and shield from God. I knew I was sinning and I knew I was unhappy, but I still felt the need to hide. I was hiding from God as if He didn’t know me, as if He didn’t understand me, and as if He couldn’t help me.
But ultimately, I realized that nakedness is important when having a relationship with God.
But why was I so willing to bare all or give my all to people or an organization, but not willing to bare all with the one who created me?
I broke down and just asked God to help me. I confessed that I was all out of options, I was confused, I was weak, and I just needed His help. I began to strip away all of my “armor” and confessed everything to Him. That was the moment I became naked with God.
This sense of vulnerability scared me, but I knew it was necessary.
Once I stripped away all the things that I thought I could fix, I started hearing God more and becoming closer to Him. He started placing people in my life that could help me. He also started removing people and things that did not serve me.
One day, I found myself crying and broken, seeking confirmation from God regarding quitting the job that I felt was a dead end. I went to the leasing office in the morning, in effort of retrieving a copy of my lease to see if I could break it, move back home, and start my life over. When I actually got to the leasing office, it was closed so I did not get the answer that I was desperately seeking. Crying and frustrated once again, I turned on my TV and it happened to be on a sermon about God sending friends into your life for a reason and not living off of emotion but living off of faith. I heard the sermon but I didn’t really understand what God was trying to tell me so I prayed for clarity, then cried myself to sleep. I wanted to get a little rest because I had some friends coming over a little later.
Around 3:00 pm, one of my friends texted me, asking me how far do I live from the leasing office because she was there. I was surprised because I was not expecting her to be at my house so soon. I picked her up from the leasing office and we updated each other on our lives. Then I got a phone call from my concerned stepmother, asking me where have I been because she hasn’t heard from me in a while and she was worried about my mental health. I exposed every layer that I was wearing that poorly hid my problems. I began balling again but I tried to hold it together and be a good host to my friend waiting in the living room. My friend could tell I was hurting; she saw right through the sheer garments that draped over my pain. She began praying for me and professed that God will provide for me; I just have to trust Him. As soon as she was done speaking those words to me, I got a knock at my door and the rest of my friends showed up.
I truly believe that God sent her to the leasing office, to give me the confirmation I was desperately seeking earlier that day. I was constantly asking God to steer me in the right direction, so when she said “God will provide for you,” I knew that I finally got my answer. I indeed was going to get my confirmation from the leasing office, I just got it in a different way. Isn’t that funny?
About a week later, that same friend of mine invited me to a spiritual brunch event. At the end of the event, she began praying over me again. She was speaking in tongues and once again, she saw right through each piece of clothing that was covering all of my deepest scars. This time, she dug even deeper into the depths of my problems. She could feel that I had a soul tie that confined me so she asked God to release it from me. I was so thankful for her prayers and pouring her love into me so I thanked her as tears drowned my face. Instead of her saying “you’re welcome” she said to me “this is Jesus.” This scared me but I was willing to listen to whatever God had to say to me.
Through her, He told me He loved me, even though sometimes I may think He doesn’t. He told me that He has a life for me, I just have to release the things that are holding me back. He also told me to denounce from the sorority. I was floored, I was scared, I was shocked but I was listening. I needed to listen to God and change my life because I knew it was heading down a path of destruction.
Now I have quit my job (with no plan), left my toxic relationship and my sorority. I feel completely naked because those three things were the security blankets that covered me. I have to continue to get rid of any masks and any clothes that may shield me from God. Now that I don’t have those things in my life, all I have is faith. So many people have tried to deter me from trusting God’s plan but I turn to scriptures and sermons for encouragement.
“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9
I have continuously been hearing “if God gives you the vision, He will give you provision.” I truly believe that if we surrender it all to God, He will provide for us.
“I will greatly rejoice in the Lord, my soul shall be joyful in my God; for He has clothed me with the garments of salvation, He has covered me with the robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom decks himself with ornaments, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.” Isaiah 61:10
So if you are struggling, in search of a breakthrough, or just want more of God in your life, get naked. Strip away all of your insecurities, burdens, and struggles. Give them all to God and let Him clothe you, love you, and save you.
Check out Tdemure.com for more from Tina.
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